Allzah
Allzah (ôl s
) n. Of
and related to all things that enrich the lives of open minded people. v. To
be creatively expressive. To be open minded.
) n. Of
and related to all things that enrich the lives of open minded people. v. To
be creatively expressive. To be open minded.
ALLZAH: KEITHVILLE
Welcome to Keithville, a land of high journalistic integrity and total newsworthy *truths.
Plot to Rob Airliners FoiledLewes, DE: Two local men, 27-year old twins DeWayne and Duane Gardner, were arrested on Thursday after their dubious plot to rob airliners was discovered by neighborhood children. The brothers planned to build a tall platform on top of their mother’s house, and rob passing airliners.
Apparently curious at the site of a pyramid of step and extension ladders on the roof of Mary Gardner’s Railroad Avenue home, local children approached Duane Gardner and asked what he was building.
“He told us they were building a platform to rob planes, just like Frank and Jessie James used to do to trains and stage coaches,” commented eight-year-old Sean Nixon. Seven-year-old Michael Simmons added, “He said he was a genius or something because no one else ever thought of it before and they were going to be rich and famous, and get lots of pooltang.”
The boys told Michael’s mother, Colleen Simmons, what Duane had said to them. “Mike’s Mom was real mad at us for talking to Duane,” recounted Sean, “she was like yelling, ‘I told you to stay away from that house!’ then she smacked Mike in the back of the head.” Ms. Simmons called the Sussex County Metro Police and reported the children’s encounter.
Police spokesman Corporal Dennis Carter said, “We went and picked up the Gardner boys for questioning. They really didn’t do anything we can arrest them for, yet. It isn’t against the law to stack ladders on the roof of your house, as long as they don’t fall on anyone or their property. I don’t think a prosecutor would send a case, where the plotted crime is this stupid, before a judge. We might be able to remand the Gardner boys over to mental health for evaluation, but they can’t hold them for more than three days. A poor understanding of physics isn’t a crime.”
In a telephone interview with Duane Gardner, currently in protective custody, Gardner said, “My name is Duane, that’s Doo-wayne. My older brother is Dewayne, that’s Dee-wayne. He’s not that much older then me, just 20 minutes or so. We don’t have the same middle name or nothin’, before you ask. My middle name is Jim, and his is James. We had a great plan. We would get up in the sky on our ladders and make those planes stop like the outlaws in the Westerns used to do to trains and covered wagons. Then we’d rob all those people going on vacations. Then we could climb down and hide out in the basement. Our plan would have worked too, if it wasn’t for those darn kids!”
Corporal Carter said, “Those Gardner boys aren’t very bright. In their defense, their Momma smoked a lot of pot when she was pregnant with them. No, no crime against being stupid. We’ll just pistol whip ‘em a little and let ‘em go.”
Chet’s Garage Gets New Magazines
April 2004 - Gardendale, Alabama: Customers have been overjoyed with the brand new magazine selections at Chet’s Garage on Decatur Highway and Moncrief Road.
Long-time customer, Jimmy Lane remembers, “For the longest time the only magazines they had was a Sports Illustrated with Charles Barkley on the cover, a Newsweek from the first Gulf War, two Highlights magazines and a Playboy from back before women started shaving their gynecological areas. I been coming here since Chet’s daddy, Big Chet, bought this place off of Mr. Charles Stone back in '62. This is the busiest I ever have seen it.”
Minnie Jean Larson added,“I used to have my husband, Ray, bring the car over when it needed to get the service done for it, but since he passed I had no Earthly-idea what I was gonna do. But I can just bring the car over and read magazines till they get done with it.”
Chet’s business has gone up by 20% since word of his new magazines went public. Gardendale Chamber of Commerce President, Wally Dupree notes, “They had to close the library down due to budget cuts in '94, it was either the library or the deer checking station, something had to give. I guess people have been looking for an outlet to their educational curiosity ever since then.”
High school social studies teacher, John Michaels has noticed, “Grade point averages among the boys have gone up by one whole letter grade since the new magazines arrived. I used to invite some of the slower learners over for the weekend to swim in my pool or go on camping trips, so that I could personally encourage them to do their very best. I guess they don’t need me now.”
Chet gives all the credit to his grandson. “My grandson’s school up in Michigan had this drive to raise money by selling magazine subscriptions. I told him I would take Sports Illustrated, Field and Stream, National Geographic, Time, and People. The price wasn’t too bad, but if I’d a know’d how much good they’d a done for my garage, I’d a bought five more!”
If the current trend continues, Chet may have to add a sitting room for customers, who now sit in the back of the garage as the work gets done. Jimmy Lane guesses, “Chet’ll have to get another bathroom pretty soon. Everybody uses the same little one, and that thing isn’t fit for ladies after barbeque day. “
Aldergrove,
British Columbia: A four-year old mixed breed dog named Lucky
is currently involved in a three-hour standoff with his owner, Janet Woodruff,
in the parking lot of the Pfiester Veterinary Clinic. Lucky refuses to leave
the vehicle till he is assured of the extent of the medical services he will
be subjected to, while in the clinic.
“The last time they brought me to this place, these bastards cut my nuts off!” explained a visibly shaken Lucky, through a partially rolled down window. “I used to while away the hours licking my pack, but now I look down there and they’re all gone. What am I supposed to do with my time now? I shudder to think of what they’ll cut off next!”
During the struggle to remove him from the vehicle, Lucky managed to hit the automatic door lock. His owner, who had placed the car keys on the passenger seat to get a better grip on Lucky’s leash, lost her balance and fell out of the car into the parking lot. As she fell, her hip struck the car’s door, which bounced closed and locked.
Woodruff, a 36-year old, office manager for South-Western Canada Fire Protection Services, said, “I’m totally locked out of the car till my sister Connie can drive over from Chilliwack with the extra set of keys. I don’t know why Lucky would act like this. He’s always enjoyed going for rides.”
A defiant Lucky insisted, “I’m not going in there voluntarily till I know exactly what Dr. Mengele will be doing to me. I saw Janet and Dale [Woodruff’s 12-year old son] watching Old Yeller last week. I don’t have to tell you what that movie was about. Now I’m going to the vet…that’s some coincidence.”
“They do some weird shit in that place!” explained Lucky, “and that Janet is just as sick as they are. The doctor is some kind of feces freak. So, Janet brings him a bag of my freshest leavings every time we come here. Then the doctor shoves this little glass rod in my ass. After a minute, he pulls it out and stares at it. Hey, I’ll admit it; I’ve sniffed some butts in my day, but this is just patently wrong. We aren’t even the same species. Whatever happened to the sacred doctor/patient trust relationship, I’d like to know?”
As Janet Woodruff gave directions to the clinic to her sister Connie over
the cell phone, Lucky pleaded, "Look…I know I can’t hold
out much longer. They are going to get here with the extra keys, and drag
me in there. I don’t know what will happen after that. Please, just
tell the world my story?”
Vermont Trade School Offers Courses to Rock and Roll Festival Workers
NORWICH, VT - September 2003: With names like Lollapalooza, Ozzfest, and
Warped Tour, the endless Summer concert season is in full swing, but where
do all
the
faceless
event staffers for these tours come from? The Vermont Institute is the
short answer.
“You can’t just pick people off of the street to do this job,” explains Bob Ketchum, President of the Vermont Institute, “you have to give them two hours of training first.”
“If a dude walks up to you and says his sister wants to blow the bassist for the Ataris, what kind of laminate do you give them? That’s not something they teach you in third grade, you know?” said Ketchum.
The Vermont Institute offers a varied curriculum with courses in Restroom Underestimation, Incorrect Change Calculation, and Soda Vendor Price Gouging. “Dude, a concert isn’t just a band, a stage, a bunch of chicks with their tops off, and some speakers and shit,” explains first year student, Phillip Ocala, “you have to have electricity and stuff too, dude.”
Brian Mayfield, instructor in Crowd Misinformation, said, “it is all about ignoring the needs of the public, man. If you have the perfect amount of restrooms, you aren’t going to see any drunk chicks pissing in public. You aren’t going to see any fights, if everybody has what they need? Man, when it gets 90-plus degrees, I’ve seen knife fights over a bottle of Gatorade. It is totally cool, and I conduct it all like the orchestra guy with the stick. Ask me where the first aid center is? Man, I don’t know. Ask me who’s selling weed? Dude, I’m all over that!”
Gloria Poole, teacher’s assistant for Intoxication Exploitation, explains, “someone
who is tore-up on alcohol or drugs is just as much a commodity to be exploited
as the sober or merely stupid. Civilians would try to help them, but once
you become Event Staff you learn to help your self. These people have wallets
to empty, credit cards to max out, and kidneys to sell. I like to hitch the
broke ones to a wagon and have them pull me back to my motel.”
Student, Ray ‘Mutt’ Scribbins said, “since I had ta move back inta th’ trailer with Momma, I hain’t been able ta get me no girls at all. Now, all’s I got ta do is say thet I can get’em backstage ta see Audioslave, and they’ll let me hold their boobies for 10 or 15 seconds.”
Graduate, Tom Brown, explains, “I’ve really learned a lot. If
someone gets all shitty and up in your face, you don’t knuckle-up with
them right there. Scope out where they are, and wait a couple of hours till
they get real good and wasted, and wander off looking for a restroom. Then
show up with a bunch of your buddies and stomp the guy till he pisses blood.
Dude, some of these things just go against human nature. That’s why
you need the training, and the shirt.”
Man Has Unusual Bump on Tongue
Fowler, Indiana - August 2003: Jason Snyder woke last Tuesday to find a strange
growth on his tongue. “It was painful at first, and I kept accidentally
touching it to my front teeth,” Snyder explained, “that would
just send shivers of pain down my body.”
After fretting for a couple of minutes, the 27-year old, Snyder decided to ignore it and go on to work, where he is the assistant manager of a Guitar Shop. “On the way, I stopped to get a cup of coffee, and that hot coffee tore me up! I went another couple of blocks and had to stop at the pharmacy to get a tube of ORA-JEL,” he continued.
Since that morning, Snyder has tried KANK-AID and ANBESOL. Jason explained, “The jury is still out on these ‘over the counter’ remedies. None of them work great. The KANK-AID worked for a short time, but it leaves this nasty dry paste on your tongue. I finally went to my doctor, but he said that no known cure exists. You just have to let nature take its course.”
Snyder is trying to make the best of a bad situation. “I am actually trying to use this to my advantage. I went to Bentleys’ on Friday night and the girls were diggin’ the bump. I told them, if we got down to a little sumpthin’ sumpthin’, I could work this bump to their advantage. You know what I mean? Unfortunately, most of them had to leave, because they had to get up early to go to work the next morning.”
Gwen Chandler, one of the ladies at Bentley’s, commented, “It was totally the grossest thing I’ve seen. That may be the worst move in history! I’ve had men wave their little, tiny, almost baby-sized dicks at me, but that would work ten times better than showing me a sore in your mouth.”
“I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck with this, but whatever I’ll live with it. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, you know?” Snyder professed, trying to remain upbeat.
Snyder’s physician, Dr. Amarpheet Jayaramah, said, “Mr. Snyder
has a simple aphthous ulcer, in other words a benign canker sore. Canker
sores are caused by diet, stress, or virus. We don’t know the exact
cause, or any measures of prevention. I assured him the sore will be gone
in 10 to 14 days at the latest. I am embarrassed Mr. Snyder is my patient.
Ask me no more questions.”
July 2003 - Washington, DC: An 11-year old Mackeral Tabby, named Charlotte,
came forward on Wednesday to reveal a four-year love affair with President
Clinton’s
cat, Socks. The affair, which allegedly took place while Socks resided in the
White House, lasted from 1994 till 1998, according to an unpublished manuscript.
“I was only two at the time, and I had just arrived in the city,” recounts Charlotte, “I remember standing just outside the gate with another cat friend of mine when we saw him. He was so handsome in his black and white fur. I was so shy; I pretended not to see him. My friend, she was arching her back and raising her tail, just trying everything to attract his attention. He sauntered over to us and we struck up a conversation. One thing lead to another, and he invited me back to the Rose Garden that evening.”
Charlotte, now a mother of 17 and grandmother of 44, recalls those days mostly with fondness. “We had some really good times, and some not so good times. After we first met, he told me he had been neutered, but I ended up pregnant. We had an awful fight when I told him. He said the kittens weren’t his, but he was the only guy I had ever been with. Then he said I was just trying to trap him. I was so hurt and upset I tried to end it all by drinking anti-freeze. I got very sick, and lost the kittens, but he was so good to me when I was sick. He came to visit me every day, and brought me dead birds and lizards. Then about a month after I got well, he disappeared for two weeks without any warning. When he got back, he had been fixed; he even showed me the scar.”
According to the manuscript, things continued well till the last year of their relationship, when signs of trouble began to show again. “I found another cat’s collar and bell in the rose bushes in the garden,” Charlotte continued, “I confronted him, but he just denied it. He said maybe President Bush (George Bush, Sr.) or Ronald Reagan had a cat, and they had left it there. I knew he was lying. I could see it in his eyes. After another month or two, I stopped kidding myself that he was going to be faithful. I chose to deny it, as long as he didn’t flaunt them at me. I can certainly see why other lady cats were attracted to him. He just had something about him that would light up the garden when he walked into it. If you are going to be with the most powerful cat in the world, I guess you have to expect these kinds of things.”
The relationship ended in the Summer of 1998. “Socks told me it was best if we stopped seeing each other. The impeachment hearings were about to start, and the White House couldn’t afford another scandal. We had really been over for months, and it was time for me to move on with my life. I have no hard feelings, and would not trade those days for all the tuna in the sea.”
Socks, who lives in the D.C. suburbs with former Presidential Secretary Bettie Currie, could not be reached for comment.
Sunnyvale,
Ca. - July 2003: “Nobody gives me credit for a damn thing
anymore!” stated
a peeved Mother Nature. “If it was Father Nature, you can bet you’d
be up to your ass in virgin sacrifices and weeklong wine festivals, but I’m
a woman so I’m supposed to be nurturing and protective. It’s
ridiculous!”
The anamorphic representation of the power of nature held her first ever press conference to express her outrage at the lack of credit being given her for recent changes to Earth’s climate. "I have read magazine article after magazine article about how man is ruining the environment. What a giant pant load! I'm the one ruining the environment! You people have some ego; you know that? You think you caused the hole in the ozone layer with your hydrocarbons and fossil fuels? As if! I did that 'cause you people are pissing me off, and I thought a little extra radiation would do you some good! Maybe you’ll mutate into a species with a clue."
Mother Nature, who spoke without notes, appeared before a group of 12 reporters at the Sunnyvale Municipal Park where she discussed her resentment at her treatment by humanity since the advent of the modern age. "I saw that margarine commercial 30 years ago. 'It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.' Fool me? Please! And was that supposed to be what I look like? I don’t think so. That woman was menopausal! I'm still young and hot.”
"All I hear is, ‘man is ruining the climate?’ Don't think I don't see the blatant sexism in that statement. If something is being done it must be a man doing it. Because I'm a woman, I can't possibly be responsible. Man! Ha! I've given you two heads and you still can't keep straight which one you use to think and which one you use to pee. To top it all off, you give credit for all the unusual weather in the last eight years to El Nino. El Fuckin' Nino! He can barely remember what day it is and which direction he's supposed to be heading. El Nino couldn't whip up a light drizzle if I didn't write everything down for him on post-it notes."
Ms. Nature, who refused questions, spoke briefly on her role in current events. "SARS, Monkey-Pox, West Nile those are all mine. You people keep screaming about what a danger your cloning and biological warfare is. Some threat, you can't even make a long lasting sunless tanning lotion. Cell phones, those are more dangerous than clones. I haven’t seen the first person killed because of a clone, but every week sixty morons will drive their SUVs off of cliffs trying to order a pizza, instead of paying attention to their driving."
"The druids, now they were a people who knew how to appreciate me," she continued, "unfortunately, any religion that systematically strangles its devotees with a rope and throws them into a peat bog is bound to find it hard to recruit converts."
Group Delayed in Express Line Say They Have Formed Lasting BondJUNE 2003
Tacoma, Wa. – Seven people, trapped in a ‘12 items or less express line’ behind a woman with 14 items, say the terrifying experience has kindled a bond between them that few except other survivors could understand. Penny Harris, a 27-year old manicurist from Seattle, remarked, “you just can’t know what you would do in that situation till you are faced with it, but I was proud of how a group of seven strangers worked together and managed to keep our wits throughout this ordeal.”
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary last Saturday morning at the Emerald Mart on ‘A’ Street in downtown Tacoma. When suddenly at 11:04 am, the calm was shattered by a tall woman with too many items for the express line. Cliff Grant, a 19-year old student at Green River Community College, was directly in line behind the woman, when he noticed something odd. “I saw what she was putting on the counter. It was eight cans of soup, three frozen dinners, and a jar of grape jelly. I was thinking to myself, ‘that’s cool.’ And all of a sudden, like in ‘slow motion,’ she whips out a bottle of extra virgin olive oil and a box of croutons from her cart. My jaw almost hit the floor. I turned to the dude behind me and whispered, ‘she’s got 14 items!’ The lady turned and kind of glanced at me, and I was like, ‘Oh man, she heard me.’ The guy behind me whispered back, ‘stay cool bro’, we’ll get through this.”
Fortunately for Grant, the guy behind him was Hiram Hifflebaum, 37-year old hospital orderly and part-time bartender, a man quite accustomed to pressure-packed situations. “I knew all this lady wants is to pay for these items and get the Hell out of here,” Hifflebaum recounts, “she doesn’t want to stick around any longer than she has to.”
Hifflebaum turned out to be right. The woman paid for her items, totaling $29.54, and fled the store after stuffing the items into three plastic bags.
“You live through something like this, and you can’t help but
feel close to the people you shared it with,” commented Wendy Smoltz,
a 26-year old massage therapist from Lakewood. “I can’t imagine
my life without these people now. I mean you hear about this kind of thing
happening every day, you know? But, you just never think it will happen to
you.”
Poplar
Bluff, Mo. – Members of the Pentecostal Church of Financial Miracles
and Endless Health Benefits believe they have identified ‘The Beast’ from
the book of Revelation, and it is none other than cartoon character Sponge
Bob Square Pants. “It is plainly described in Revelation 13:1,” explains
minister Bob Dowdy, “And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a
beast rise up out of the sea.” Growing softer and more deliberate for
emphasis, Dowdy continues, “If you watch his show, this Sponge Bob comes
from the sea!”
Sponge Bob Square Pants is an extremely popular children’s cartoon, and his likeness can be found on countless products and toys. Along with pals Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy the Squirrel, Sponge Bob is a cornerstone of the Nickelodeon Network.
However, his status as a product marketing point also confirms the suspicions
of the church. “Revelation 13:17 - And that no man might buy or sell,
save that he had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his
name,” quotes Dowdy, “I was over to the Big G last month and practically
everything in that store had a picture of Sponge 
Bob on it. I was in the dairy
section buying some cheese, and my wife Nola Jean comes running up to me waiving
a pair of underpants with a picture of this Bob Squarepants on them. You almost
can’t buy anything without his image on it. About all I can buy is groceries
with the Big G brand on them.”
To get their word out, the church has been holding monthly ‘Ban Bob’ parties for the children. “We tell the children to be careful of Sponge Bob’s power, and we destroy and burn his graven images to rid them of his foul influence,” explains Minister Dowdy.
However, this service has caused some friction with neighbors, including other Christian denominations. The Reverend recounts, “A fellow from down the block, who goes to one of those Southern Baptist churches, pulled up in my driveway and told me if I ever speak to his son again, he’ll kick my asteroid. Only he didn’t say asteroid. I guess Satan has evil minions everywhere. That’s what comes from allowing that New American Standard version of the Bible in your church. We’re King James Bible only, ‘cause if it was good enough for Paul and Silas it is good enough for me.”
Deacon Lester ‘Punkin’ Holstein admits, “Now Pastor Dowdy may have been wrong when he said Pope John-Paul II, Ronald Reagan, and Mikhail Gorbachev were the Anti-Christ before, but he just has too much evidence to be wrong this time."
*Um, these Keithville articles are total jokester fun. If you couldn't figure that out then you shouldn't read stuff where the photo of the journalist is wearing a pimp costume.
